The New Priest

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week on the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything will go smoothly.” The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor:

  1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
  2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
  3. There are twelve disciples, not 10.
  4. David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the shit out of him.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  7. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles, as J.C. and the Boys.
  8. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
  9. Jacob was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey. He was not stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
  11. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referrred to as “BIG DADDY, JUNIOR, AND SPOOK”.
  12. The recommended grace before meals is NOT “Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, YEA GOD!”
  13. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, “take this and eat of it, for this is my body.” He did not say, “EAT ME!”
  14. Last, but not least, she’s the “VIRGIN MARY,” not “MARY WITH THE CHERRY”.